i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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