those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize