it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
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