Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
