I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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