well I can't set my house on fire every night
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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