Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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