and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
