I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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