My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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