If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
You are a genius and a whore.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
