I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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