I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Randomize
