Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
