...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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