I wanna passion pit in your ass
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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