I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize