So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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