I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize