you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Pants are for mortals
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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