If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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