the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
