my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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