Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize