That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
