your room smells of hookers.
And success
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
