i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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