it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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