i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
