sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
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