We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
