toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
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