Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
