You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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