I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
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