i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
