the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
