So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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