Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize