The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
he laminated a picture of his dick.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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