You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
My breasts were aching with rage.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
