I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
