not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
