Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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