what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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