she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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