I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize