My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
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