I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
