He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
