Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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