Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
