Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
