I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
