duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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