are you still at the devil's house?
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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