Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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