I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Randomize