i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
