yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
All the doctor said was why
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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