mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Randomize
