Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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