I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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