I just pynch a tree in the face
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
