I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize