VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
