Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
