i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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