So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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