don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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