Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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