I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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